| dr. j's head-cleaners tongue-in-cheek tidbits relationships and other stuff, for better or worse practices tactical & practical & not to make things all the better or make things all the worse a work-in-progress collection of brief notes on strategies & blunders, all normal, some nuts |
 cooperative dismemberment of a marriageA man and a woman try to be a partnership -- they try to have a marriage. But when he is doing something that she has trouble with and asks him to change, he doesn't think he really has to or decides he won't or without really trying very hard he decides he can't -- and he decides he doesn't really like to think about it and certainly doesn't want to talk about it. She decides it just doesn't do any good to keep trying to get it across to her man that this particular issue bothers her. She decides she needs him to change it but decides she will stop mentioning it and hope he "comes to his senses" and realizes it on his own. Her man decides that because she stopped complaining, he gets to assume that she's no longer bothered -- and he assumes that things will go better if he avoids bringing up the subject even to check out his assumption. She explodes about it every once in awhile in the context of an argument about something else entirely and sounds crazy when she does. When she has become completely fed up, she divorces him. He promises to change the thing that is bothering her and assures her he can do this, no problem. She says theres no way -- too little, too late. She gets the divorce. He hangs out at the bar complaining about how women are confusing, insensitive, uncaring bitches. |
| basic problem solving "Well, she always has to bitch and bitch about it when I go hunting," he says, "so I try to cut down on the nagging I have to deal with by not telling her that I'm going hunting until a few minutes before I'm ready to leave." "Has that seemed to work for you?" "Well, not so far, no." |
| basic problem solving "It got so frustrating to try to get him to understand why it bothered me so much and why I wanted him to stop it that I decided to just stop nagging him about it and stop mentioning it. I figured I would have to wait until he figured it out by himself." "Has that worked?" "Well... no. Not yet." |
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a solid strategy for stress and distress Though since the onset of parenting responsibilities it has very rarely been the case that he could come home and relax for even a minute or two before dealing with his wife and kid(s) and whatever they had to tell him, involve him in or have him do, every day as the end of work came closer he would fantasize about how when work was done he would finally be able to go home and enjoy a relaxing period of winding down and de-stressing himself fromm the long, hard day.
a solid strategy for happinessSince he could basically plan on his wife and kids needing his full and energetic attention as soon as he got home, every day as the end of work came closer he would begin to psych himself up for the challenges of making sure his wife and kid(s) felt his participation and support in their lives. |
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I want what I want "But I don't want to have to deal with things the way they are and the way they work. I don't want to have to deal with my family on their time table -- I want to deal with them on mine. And I don't want my wife to keep reminding me of how she's STILL every once in awhile remembering how bad I treated her in the past. And I don't want to have to be consistent with my kids and always have to stick to consequences. And why do I always have to be reasonable -- other people get unreasonable and don't have to deal with fallout from it." "Oh. Well, as long as you're wishing, wish me to win the lottery." |
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shoulding "Well, things shouldn't be so hard. Things should be easier." "I agree. I should taller and a lot richer. And Pam Anderson should call. But until things change, my guess is that we'll probably need to deal with them as they are." |
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a word to the wise to women One difference between boys and girls, says a joke I heard recently, is that girls grow up. Show me a good relationship between a man and a woman and I will show you a relationship where the woman is capable of being very patient, flexible, very assertive, submissive or dominant as the situation warrants. An important skill for a wife/mother to cultivate is the skill of being able to tell the difference, metaphorically and literally speaking, between when her mate or child is vomitting all over her due to stomach ailment versus when her mate or child is spitting on her in an effort to vent anger at her because of frustrations and stresses unrelated to her and because she seems to be a safe target to use as a scapegoat. In the one case, she needs to have the patience and nurturance to simply clean up and take care of her man or child. In the other case, she needs to have the assertiveness and leverage to as quickly as possible make it clear that such behavior is not appropriate. In both cases she needs the skill of telling the two kinds of situation apart. |
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when things go bad it can seem to be best to make things worse Frustrated and angry with himself for being "stupid enough" to have an accident with a riding lawn mower in which he lost his left foot -- and stressed by the pain of his poorly healing leg -- Bill angrily looks through the bottom of his closet until he finds his target pistol and -- certain that it will make him feel better -- impulsively, purposefully shoots himself in his remaining foot. Frustrated and angry with herself for being "stupid enough" to not see any alternative to being raped one night after staying late at work -- and feeling like it somehow makes her feel better to do so -- Ellen tells herself over and over that she is worthless, stupid, helpless and deserving of being raped. Frustrated and angry with his son for being "stupid enough" to unthinkingly spill grape juice on the new, white couch, for months thereafter Jeremy's father -- knowing he will feel better if he "gets it off his chest" -- again and again tells Jeremy what a loser and an idiot he is. Frustrated and angry after "screwing up" his disability benefits, Frank finds himself feeling like he should make sure he feels like crap forever -- and feeling like he should dump his anger on his wife or anyone else who seems to care for him. |
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priorities, priorities, priorities EXIBIT A: "I don't want to feel used!" "I resent the fact that my husband asked if it was okay if I would cover the car payment this month. I said it was okay but I think he thinks I will just pay it. I was thinking he would owe me the money." I asked her what the issue was, really. "This is all on top of him complaining about back aches and headaches all week. He wants all this care. Who is going to take care of me?!" I asked her what the issue was, really. "I'm angry. I don't want to feel used," she explained. "Oh, I see," I explained back, "Faced prioritizing in deciding what to do, you rate not being used over having a good relationship." She wasn't really deciding that it was more important to avoid being used than it was to protect of foster the functioning of her marriage -- I was really just sort of cattle-prodding her with the fact that she was acting as if being used was a more important issue and forgetting altogether that she might be damaging her marriage (the support she might get, the love she might feel, the caring she might share) by letting herself resent taking care of her husband. In a good marriage, we care for each other -- for better or worse, in sickness and health. She actually wanted a good marriage much more than to keep from being used. In fact, her whole life was devoted to being used -- she was a special ed teacher, she had an adopted daughter, she liked to help friends. EHIBIT B: "There is no reason in the world for him to keep making the same mistakes, year after year." This is why it is okay and a good idea for her to be hostile and ugly toward him whenever he makes the same mistakes again and again -- mostly having to do with remembering to clean up after the littlest child, mostly having to do with remembering the little rules for living she had set for the better functioning of her family. But he couldn't seem to remember all the time. Some of the time, yes. But he would forget with some regularity. She felt bitter and angry toward him. "Would you feel this way if he had lost a leg and the rule was that everyone should walk smoothly?" "No, of course not. That's completely different. ...If he were crippled up it would be stupid to be angry with him for not walking well. This is different. There is no reason whatsoever for him to keep forgetting these things that I think are so important and that he KNOWS I will be angry about if he blows them off." "So you have tried for years to get him to change and he hasn't and rather than assume he can't, you assume he won't for some reason? -That he is doing this on purpose?" "What am I supposed to do, pretend that I don't care!" "No, I was actually suggesting that you simply not care." I didn't think it was a good idea to pretend she wasn't angry if she was -- though I later did suggest that perhaps it is sometimes handy to pretend to be a bit angry with someone even though you really are not in situations where you think the person should not just think its okay with everyone, whatever he or she did. "I do think," I told her, "that it would be a good idea to not assume he is trying to get her to be angry and not care that he has this little disability." She was already living with the consequences of his mistakes. But many situations in life are like the dilemma an individual with cancer faces when told there are medications that may fix the cancer but will also almost certainly make life very miserable. Sometimes the possibility of a cure isn't worth the damage that the cure may inflict. I was suggesting that she ask herself if she had to decide whether it was more important to torture herself and her husband or to have a happy marriage. --Whether it was more important to her to make sure he didn't get to pretend to be somewhat disabled when actually he was not or more important to avoid upsets and perspectives on things that make it hard to be partners or in love. EXHIBIT C: "I wanted to show him how it felt!!" I had come to the conclusion that I needed to work with her husband on his anger and depression. He was sabotaging and pushing his disabled wife with a relentlessness that seemed to be keeping her depressed. He was raised to believe that if you cannot work, you are shirking and self-indulgent -- that any disability was simply a bad choice -- and he subtly punished her for not brining in a second income and for not even being able to jump and make him dinner or coddle him when asked. I worked with him to try to adopt a different perspective -- to see himself as a knight in shining armour who could care for his damsel in distress. He tried -- really tried. And while he was trying to be an attentive hero for his poor, ailing wife, she took every opportunity to tell him feel inadequate, flawed, unneeded and unloved. If she spoke to him at all it was seldom and hostile. "I wanted to show him how it felt!" she explained. "That was more important than having him caring and attentive or being in love and being married?" I asked. |
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more to come |
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men: goals and goofs Men think they need to have a lot of control in a relationship. But generally speaking men are worse at relationships than women. If they get a lot of control in a relationship, many become angry and resentful that their partner is not more assertive and responsible. Then they become disrespectful of their partner and, if she puts up with it, they disrespect her more. |
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more to come |
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more to come |
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more to come |
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