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step-fathering an angry step-child A few brief shrink-think comments on some possible, practical, helpful re-thinkings that one might do with respect to the experience of step-fathering angry step-kids. It has happened several times that mothers have consulted me for psychological services for their unhappy, hostile child (most often a boy) because their child is exhibiting behavior problems, attitude problems and probably is apparently depressed. The situation is that Mom is divorced from her chid's father. The divorce was related to emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive attitudes and behavors that happened in front of the kids. Dad is described as unreliable, hostile, negative and irradic in his involvement with his children. Dad comes in and out of the children's lives whimsically -- sometimes regularly for awhile, perhaps every week for several weeks, after which he disappears for months and then calls and wants to visit again. Whenever the angry child visits his dad, he comes back very angry and hostile, bitter and resentful toward his siblings, his mom and especially his step-father. Mom meets a man who is much more reliable, more attentive, more level-headed and willing to involve himself with a woman with one or more children who he is willing to try to be a father to. When I become involved, Mom is at her wits end. She says the new dad tries very hard but her son (or daughter) -- usually the eldest -- is very hateful toward her new husband. Step-dad is accepted by younger children who go places with him, do things with him, and all him "Dad." She tells me she feels like she is being pressured to leave her new husband and is actually considering do so. This is a very painful position to be in. But all is not lost and all is not bad and all does not need to be painful. Here are some observations about this kind of situation -- not universally applicable, but very likely some possible rays of light. These are all maybes based on what I have experienced: Find a counselor that works well with kids. For starters, it can be very helpful to get the child into counseling with a counselor that has a good track record working with such kids. Contrary to apparent expression of feelings, step-dad is probably not the problem at all. Of course it is always possible that a step-father is really a sadistic jerk. However, assuming that is not the case, it is not likely that the solution is to dissolve the marriage and leave the new husband. It's my experience that such kids are very hungry for a good relationship with a father figure -- actually any father figure. They want a good relationship with their biological father and are well aware that this is just not going to happen with him. This is an enormous struggle for the child. The child is probably experiencing a great deal of stress, conflict and confusion. You cannot rely on what he is saying. Adults get very confused, hostile and grumpy under far less frustrating, distressing circumstances. It is no mystery that a child would. Adults will tell you what is wrong but they may be very, very wrong. It is easier, sometimes, to figure out what is going on without asking the person who is so confused, upset and distressed. The child is feeling thrown away, devalued, unwanted. In spite of all sorts of people saying the opposite, you can probably assume that the child is struggling with a great deal of anger toward himself -- assuming that he has done something to make his dad so angry, unloving, inconsiderate and touchy. This doesn't go away with talking. This goes away -- maybe -- as people demonstrate this is not the case. An experienced counselor can help with ideas about how to accomplish this while also working on opening up the child's willingness to change his mind. The child identifies with the biological father. Any negativity about his father will be experienced as negativity about him. Thus, telling him his dad is a loser will translate to telling him he, himself, is a loser. Telling him his dad loves him but has a lot of trouble dealing with emotions and straightening out his behavior is more helpful. That is also, in all likelihood, what is actually happening with the son. Understand that when the son is dumping hateful emotions on step-dad, this is probably an attempt to get some help dealing with his emotions, confusion and stress. It is also probably an indication that step-dad is seen as safe to "reach out to" in order to get help. Yes, its a lot of stress to dump on poor step-dad, but kids in these situations do not feel comfortable confronting their biological dad. Confronting him would result in harsh retribution and a quick termination of the relationship. This is known pretty clearly. As weird, ironic and contrary to what seems apparent as it is, these situations can sometimes (sometimes) be worked out fairly simply. At least doing this in the context of counseling -- sort of a one-two punch -- it is possible to help a kid accept that a) his dad loves him but has a hard time managing his behavior to show him, b) he can love his biological dad without being in danger of being hurt emotionally as long as he doesn't expect dad to be perfect or take missed contacts and whatnot as evidence of an inner lack of personal worth, c) he can have a much better, rewarding relationship with his step dad and can actually then have two dads, d) he can use the experience (if he's a he) to burn into his memory how it feels to be on the kid end of this crappy situation and resolve not to do this to his own son some day, e) he can give mom credit for loving him enough to try to find him an additional (not a replacement) dad to make sure he had enough dad-figures in his life, and f) he can sort things out so he realizes suffering and complex relationships can work out so you are smarter and feel better afterward. Step dad will be happier and have more patience if he reinterprets the hatefulness as a cry for help to a safe, strong father-figure. It doesn't make it easy but it makes it WAY easier. Step dad in all likelihood can, with a bit of luck, find something fun to do with the child that can be fun for both. Sometimes it is tough and a counselor can help a lot in this area.
Step dad can come through all this feeling like a major hero and looking like a hero to his new wife, his new kids and everyone around. It is way cool to feel like a hero. This can work out with dad feeling like a hero even though it starts with such anger and resentment. Life. It's quite an adventure. |
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