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question
My husband and I just celebrated our 17th anniversary in December, which is why I am unable to understand his erection difficulties. It started last year, and now happens on and off. If we are going for a quicky because of our three children possibly interrupting, he does great, but if we are going for long, "good" sex he has difficulty. I have read over your material on your website and I fall into your statistics. When I was a teen I had a teacher and later a family member sexually assault me. I am currently in my late 30s and my husband is 40. It has just been in the last few years that I really started enjoying sex. Sometimes I wonder if this has to do with my husband's problem. He is a great lover and we can have really good sex, but more and more he finds himself worrying that he will not be able to perform; and as a result, he cannot. I have asked him to talk to our doctor about it, but he refuses. I have thought about calling the doctor myself, but do not know if I should. My husband will tell me to go ahead and use the vibrator so I can orgasm, but I do not need him to do that and after orgasming, it just makes me long to have his penis inside of me. I try to be patient and understanding, but when he refuses to speak to the doctor or try other things to correct the problem, I tend to start becoming upset, which I know does not help the situation. I should add that two years ago I had breast implants and I am an ex-model. Any help and advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. answer Life is a complicated bunch of stresses, messes and fun. It is especially difficult to make sense of the issues that come from the intermix of the profound drives and fears that our mammal sexual inner machinery and the social-emotional-psychological thoughts and wants that our more evolved thinking seems to come up with. What is probably happening with your husband is at least in part related to his getting older and his embarrassment about it. Like sagging breasts that can cause so many women so much distress, a sagging penis can make a man feel inferior. Both are indicators of being caught up in a mix of primitive animal drives to be the best at procreating that would probably be better de-emphasized now that we have had such a success as a species in over-populating the world, but our culture's advertising and media is constantly capitalizing on these primitive drives to make movies and products more marketable. There is a strong Murphy's Law component in your story. As you become more and more comfortable with your sexuality, probably after years of complicated feelings after being the victim of mindless sex-drives, other factors make your sex life more and more complicated in other ways. You can look at that as some sort of cosmic punishment or you can accept that life is just not supposed to be some sort of prolonged trip to Disneyworld. This sort of thing happens in all areas of life -- as we get more and more together in one area, we fall apart or those around us fall apart more and more in other ways. My advice is to watch out that you don't ironically begin to do just what you were so hurt by others (your teacher, your uncle) doing to you -- mindlessly letting sex drive do the thinking and thus hurting both yourself and those around you. If you are struggling with your body aging and what seems like a last chance to enjoy your sexuality and be a sought-after sex object, you are probably going to hurt your husband and your marriage. If you want to go the lust for "fulfillment" route, you can probably hurt your husband least by simply getting a divorce and then diving head-first (or other body part first) into what is certainly a very high intensity pleasure game which will leave you panting and with a lot of cool memories but they will be memories enjoyed alone in a solitary old age. OR, you can chuckle at the ironies of life, enjoy the fact that you have a sexy babe-alicious body and an opportunity to go crazy with it, and focus on NOT going crazy with lust for lasciviousness. You can focus on making your husband more of a lover in the larger, more emotional sense, and work to make penis hardness less important in your head and in his. When that is accomplished -- when you are partnering for better or worse, sickness and health, thickness and softness -- when love, partnering and togetherness is going really, really well -- THEN (when it is not a hurtful, stressful, all-important issue) see if he would be willing to speak to his physician about Viagra or Levitra or Cialis or whatever. If he can't stand that idea, it is more dangerous but still an option to go online and order such stuff.
I very much like being in love with my wife. We've been together 33 years. I don't know what life is about, if anything. What I do know is if it isn't about anything at all and when we die it's lights out, I will never feel regret for not having just one more sexual tryst. And if it is about larger things, I am betting it is more about finding real, long term love than about feeling really thoroughly immersed in orgasm. Further, if life is about longer term things, I suspect that if sex is a positive part of things, there will be lots of it on the other side -- and if it is not, it will probably turn out to have been better to have been restrained on this side. I like to be practical and logical. I recommend it. Dr. Johnson |
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