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The woman had asked to be seen with her daughter as soon as possible. Her daughter told a friend that mom's boyfriend was touching her in ways she did not like. The police had been called and an investigation was underway. She wanted to know what could she do for her daughter and she wanted me to talk with the daughter because of the possibility that the daughter was lying. "I have of course told him to leave." Two days later a family friend called to convey concerns about mom pressuring her daughter to recant her allegations. The friend said that mom was pressuring the daughter with constant anger and had insisted that the child "try and see" if the "family" could have a dinner together. She had been being regularly molested by her stepfather since age 4. At age 6 she mentioned to a friend what was happening and there was an investigation and a trial and the stepfather was found guilty and given probation and at her mother's urging, the judge asked her -- the victim -- if it would be okay for her stepfather to return home with the promise he wouldn't do it any more. The judge asked her if she could scream really loud if her stepfather molested her again. She said yes. She was still being regularly molested by her stepfather -- with only a few weeks right after the trial when the assaults were not happening. She couldn't scream. She couldn't bring herself to tell her mother because her mother seemed to need her stepfather around. She new it was her responsibility because the judge said so -- so she was convinced it was all her fault. At age 12 she mentioned to a friend what was happening and there was an investigation and a trial and the stepfather was found guilty and given probation and at her mother's urging, the judge asked her -- the victim -- if it would be okay for her stepfather to return home with the promise he wouldn't do it any more. The judge asked her if she could scream really loud if her stepfather molested her again. She said yes. She was still being regularly molested by her stepfather. It had only stopped for a few weeks after the trial. She couldn't bring herself to tell her mother because her mother seemed to need her stepfather around. At age 16 she mentioned to a friend what was happening and there was an investigation and a trial and the stepfather was found guilty and given probation and at her mother's urging, the judge asked her -- the victim -- if it would be okay for her stepfather to return home with the promise he wouldn't do it any more. The judge asked her if she could take the responsibility to let someone know if her stepfather molested her again. She said yes. At 16, she was pretty confident she could scream, yell or talk to whomever she needed to. So was he. The molestation stopped. She went to college after high school and did well becoming a medical professional. She married a high school boyfriend and they were doing very well. She was working, he was working. They were happy. They tried and tried to have a baby but had enormous difficulty. They had almost given up and were thinking of adopting when she found out she was pregnant. The pregnancy went reasonably well and she handled the infant with love and a level head. But as the child began to crawl and explore -- though without realizing this coincidence -- she began feeling more and more aggitated and anxious without understanding why. She was having trouble sleeping, trouble at work, trouble with her husband. She thought she was going crazy. Basically, she was. Things got so bad that she couldn't work. She began engaging in high risk behaviors and hanging around with very dysfunctional people. She didn't like going home. She let her husband take primary responsibility for the child. She began engaging in marginally suicidal, high risk behaivors. She was angry and hostile toward herself, toward her husband, toward her life and everyone in it. Over the better part of ten years in counseling -- and after two psychiatric hospitalizations to keep her safe from herself -- her symptoms began to remit. She returned to working, though she stopped working at her initial carreer. She returned to college and began enjoying her child, her husband and her life. After ten years, though, she still struggles with depression and anxiety and an intense struggle with issues of self-esteem and self-image. Her mother says she is sorry about not being able to survive all those years without the stepfather. She says she is sorry her daughter was molested. Thirty years late, her mother finally left the stepfather. The complexity and number of the potential issues created when a child is molested takes a lot of understanding and a lot of good advice. With adequate support from family, some -- possibly many -- kids are basically fine after molestation and never exhibit any negative effects.
With other kids -- especially those with marginal or off and on support from parents and others -- issues can come up at various times throughout their life. There may be self-esteem issues, anxiety and depression, acting out, nightmares and flashbacks, self-injurious behavior, school problems, parent-child problems, power and control issues, problems relating to others, etc. When inadequately dealt with, unresolved problems can be like a time-bomb ticking away and ready to suddenly explode away years of fairly good functioning at any time in childhood, adolescence or adulthood, rising to the level of chronic depression, extreme self-mutilization, social and occupational dysfunction, chronic self-sabotage and suicide. Problems may arise as late as in one's 70's or 80's. Its a good idea to get used to the idea that if your child is molested you may need to consult a counselor off and on through the child's childhood and adolescence. It's a good idea to accept and understand that your child may need to consult counselors at various times through the rest of life. Finding a counselor is usually a matter of asking around for a recommendation about who works with children who have been molested. Even among counselors who specialize in helping survivors of molestation there are several different types -- some counselors work only with girls, some work only with boys, some work only with adults. Most MD's have had occasion to refer patients to counselors for this problem and so they may be a good resource for recommendations. The local woman's shelter or other local domestic violence agency may also be a good resource for directions you may go. Since dealing with being sexually assaulted is a difficulty that causes a lot of psychological conflict -- and because life itself cause a lot of complex psychological problems, especially at developmental stages -- a counselor is a good idea for immediate help AND for the frequent consults over the following years. Consultations are often needed because there may be times when children are actually fine but talking about what happened or exhibiting normal kid behavior in a way that causes the parent to assume there is a problem -- and sometimes this may trigger an over-reaction on the parent's part -- turning the situation bad, even traumatizing the child further. There may also be times when children are acting out behaviorally or having other problems when the underlying issues are actually but not obviously related to the molestation. Parental response is an important issue when a child has been hurt and/or has been through some sort of potentially traumatic experience. Parents want -- and sometimes believe they're supposed to have -- God-like abilities that can keep children perfectly safe. When it turns out that one's child may have been harmed, there's a humongous potential for guilt and anger. This kind of an experience is potentially traumatizing not only for the victim, but for parents and siblings as well. It's easy to over-react. It's easy to under-react. It's easy to make things worse, not better. Also, because of the complexity of issues that arise for everyone -- victim, family, friends -- it is also a good idea for parents to get some counseling. It's just a good idea to make sure you can accept whatever has happened. It's important to be able to be able to keep it in mind and not put it away in some locked closet in your brain.
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