I don't want to say...
I don't want to say!
some thoughts about what to do when the
concerns about things from the past are too tough
to live with but too tough to talk about, too
For more people than most people want to accept that there are, life messed with their heads in a way that along with being victimized, traumatized, brutalized or scrutinized in ways that left them feeling raging guilt and humiliation. And for more people than most people would want to think likely, life pushed them or pulled them in unfortunate ways and decisions were decided and behaviors were done that left them feeling guilt-ridden and humiliated and agast at themselves.
These people carry thier burdens and want desperately to talk with someone but the idea of talking sends their anxiety levels off the charts. Going to a therapist to get help they find they are faced with a serious catch-22. If they like the therapist at all they can't stand the idea of telling him or her about these secret sumps of crap in their hearts. They can't stand the thought of taking the chance of being looked down on by someone they respect. If they can't stand the therapist and have no respect at all, then they have no reason to want to share about the crap.
Here's the advice for those in this struggle:
- 1. Find a therapist you respect and you like.
2. When you get to a point where you wish you could talk, tell your therapist that -- that you're struggling to talk.
3. Let your therapist convince you to talk out the crap.
4. Go as slowly as you want.
5. When you realize that you've had other "more important issues" to talk about -- or that you've cancelled a session or sixteen for this reason or that -- recognize that you probably were side-tracking or cancelling because of the possibility that you were anxious about being talked into talking about the crap in your craw.
6. Ask your self if it might not be just as easy to talk a little at a time and then cancel -- or distract, or side track or ask for other discussions -- as needed, so you get out what you need to, a little at a time.
7. Resolve that if your therapist can't talk you into talking OR if your therapist looks down on you for disclosing what you disclose OR if your therapist can't handle your cancelations.
8. Expect to have a bit of a panic attack, flashbacks, nightmares and other signs of inner parts of your mind freaking out about "breaking the silence" that you've held for so long.
9. Remind your self that you've lived through everything so far in life and living through some anxious reactions about talking about some of what you've lived through is easy compared to living through it -- and you lived through it fine.
10. Remind your self that either life is about nothing and at the end it is game over and it won't matter what you did, what happened, who knew or whatever -- OR when we die we'll be finding there was purpose to all this and a higher power and such. And remind your self that it is way more likely -- if there is a purpose to all this stuff we go through -- that it quite probably has to do far more with finding the strength to live through fears and flashbacks and abuse and mistakes than in how many bumps were avoided or dollars were earned.
11. And keep in mind that if your therapist reacts negatively then you didn't have much of a therapist. And everything was and is confidential, so if you fire the therapist, your secrets will stay put.
12. And keep in mind that in all likelihood your therapist will react with WAY less negativity about your secret than you yourself feel already.
13. If you need some assistance in calming your nerves on a particular day that you feel you might really talk, your MD can probably prescribe you a valium. (Don't use alcohol or illicit drugs to calm your nerves.)
14. And don't forget that throughout your whole life there have been things that one day you couldn't handle while the next day you could.
And if this is all on target for an issue that you, the reader, are finding yourself struggling with, I do wish you best wishes and all the luck in the world. This is a tough spot to be in, but hold onto some hope.
- Dr. J
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