email 
Doc -
I am 23 years old and have just recently broken up with my long term girlfriend of many years. I have always had massive anxiety problems during the relationship due to my size and also my terrible performance. However she also had these fears about herself I think and this lead us to be happy with each other so to speak. Now we have broken up and all my fears during the relationship have become reality. Even the possibility of having to take a girl home freaks me out. I had a very very high libido while with my girlfriend which has now vanished. I see no end in sight. I am living in another country from my home town which means I don't know any of the girls I meet. This also adds to my anxiety. I am a real mess, please do you have any advice. I have been with other girls since the break up but am very anxious in the morning and during the encounter. On top of all of this I am a hugely anxious person in general, I fear the worst every time.
Regards,
Number one anxious person
response
Dear NOAP -
The process of finding a love that you can partner with for the rest of your life involves dating some unknown number of potential partners. Each relationship can be expected to ultimately crash and burn until you find the right one. There is no way to know which potential partner might be the right one without spending a number of hours, days, weeks and possibly months, seeing if, over time, you continue to find yourself matching in the way you initially thought you might. Though there are some ways to avoid getting into fairly obviously wrong matches, there is no test or crystal ball that will help you avoid having to go through this process to some extent. You cannot know who a potential partner really is without dating for a fairly long time. I usually recommend that - assuming you are not so unlucky as to be burdened by having millions of dollars or something else that would make you worth actively lying to - you need to date a potential partner for at least three years before you know enough to decide if you can expect to be successful if you decide to marry. If you are lucky in this process, you can try to identify the attributes that you like in a potential mate so that each time a relationship turns out not to be as hoped for, you know a bit more about yourself, about dating, about the opposite sex and about the process of learning about another person.
Personally, I think being a bit anxious is very helpful. By the time most women get to their early twenties, most bright young women have discovered that though their DNA seems to tell them to find a macho, confident stud, an anxious, sensitive guy is much less likely to hurt them. Though in high school, anxiety gets you dismissed as unworthy of the best women, by the time women get into their twenties 25-33% have been raped or otherwise traumatized by some confident, macho ass. The trick is not to let the anxiousness get you down or harm your self esteem. Being anxious and having a lousy self esteem is a formula for failure.
If you would like some active, actual powerful, empowering help with this, I have several CDs that are designed for what is ailing you. These are hypnotic interventions that you can feel helping you with just one listen and can help you more and more over several listenings. They are designed to deal with issues of anxiousness, distress, self esteem, patience with the challenges of life, and hope and they provide a wide range of logical, strategic thoughts that are worded in ways to seem individualized for each listener for each set of problems - in a way that changes over time so that they help with issues over years, even though issues change. I really do a lot of work with individuals with issues like you are dealing with - and I am very talented in putting these recordings together. Nothing in life is one-size-fits-all but about 95% of the people who try my recordings find them mildly to enormously helpful. Decide you are going to grow from your pains and struggles - decide you are going to get on your side and stop telling yourself you are so inadequate - decide that you are going to embrace your life with the assumption that there may actually be a purpose for you being who and how you are (including there being a purpose for your challenges) - decide you are going to work on accepting yourself and you are going to work to have an optimal life and be an optimal person who works on growing every day to be better, wiser, stronger and cooler every day as compared to the day before - and get two or three of my CDs and listen to them two or three nights each week for a few weeks while you work on establishing a sense of faith in yourself and faith in your life - and you will be taking the first steps of a self improvement program that will make you feel better and better, happier and happier and more and more contented every day. And when you meet women you will feel confident that you need not worry about finding a partner because you will have a great deal to offer any woman.
Hypnosis CD/Tape Recommendations
- hypnosis for coping with a relationship's end
- hypnosis to clear the mind, reduce intrusive thoughts
- hypnosis for fostering emotional growth, wisdom, coping
- hypnosis to foster hope, resiliency
- hypnosis for self-esteem
First of all, Self to Self Partnering is a must for anyone struggling with any of the wide range of challenges of life. It is designed to help an individual who is facing tough, complex challenges - especially challenges that shake or threaten the foundations of self-esteem, self-worth, self-image and faith in one's self and one's life. It is designed to foster the listener's ability to be as supportive as possible to him- or herself. It is designed to optimize the listener's ability to make the most of every opportunity and aid that he or she comes across. Next, Healing Tree 2 is designed to help the listener recognize and trust that every struggle and upset actually results in increased wisdom and increased resiliency - even though it may have seemed that helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety and upset were the primary features of the experience.
In addition to the potential benefits of Self and Healing Tree, there are several Head-Cleaners recordings that can soothe the anxiety and sense of loss that can accompany the end of a relationship. To Be Comfortably Confident is designed to foster a general sense of confidence - faith in yourself and faith in your life. Now To How To Soothe Out Angst is also designed to foster a general sense of confidence that you can trust things to go okay - with a bit more emphasis on being able to trust that life will work out (while Confident focuses a bit more on faith in self). Who and How You Hope To Be focuses on increasing positive, helpful thoughts and on decreasing negative, unhelpful thoughts. Allowing One's Self To Get Past It - the last recommendation - focuses on allowing one's self to let go of feelings and thoughts of self-directed recriminations or guilt that seem to linger on after intense negative experiences and that might otherwise get in the way of letting go of unwarranted anxiousness.
That's six CD suggestions. Each recording has different elements to foster growth, coping and development. Other recordings can be helpful for other issues - e.g., performance or fears - but for the issues at hand right now, all or some of the six that I've briefly described should be very helpful in helping work toward optimal growth and development. I strongly recommend the first two at least. There are discounts for multiple purchases and all are guaranteed to help or you get your money back. You will find that if you like one recording, you will like them all and you will find them very helpful if you like them. If you don't, you have 30 days to get them back to me for a full refund. Orders are put into the mail within a few hours.
Life can be quite complex and challenging. I strongly recommend turning this all into an opportunity for personal development and enhancement. Get into a mind set where you assume there is a purpose for life and for your challenges. There is as much evidence that there is as there is evidence that there isn't (e.g., zero). Life is way more fun approached as an adventure with "cosmic" or spiritual overtones than it is as a helpless, hopeless victim of random, senseless forces. Really. It can be more than just a job - it can be an adventure. Get some of my CDs and read some of my articles - especially some of the articles on coping.
I hope that all helps.
Dr. Johnson
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